A milestone achieved

I just returned from Springfest 2010 from IIT Kharagpur. It was a much anticipated tour. Nurvs of Steel finally got the debut I have been wanting to get for the past two years.

I'll begin from where it began. Jayesh had joined the band about a few days before the exam. We were still searching for a place to jam. And in Raipur, where people can be such assholes, it was a really tough thing to get. We could all practice at our places, but then, the neighbors were always a pain in the ass. It's okay when they play their shitty bollywood "music" (which rarely makes any sense) at full volume during our exams. But it's really disturbing to them when we talk on our phone (supposedly, we are shouting and creating a nuisance).

So, after the exams were over, we were done with selecting the songs we were to perform. We hadn't made our OC yet (and how could we, without a single jam?). So covers were our only option. The plan was to practice those individually during the semester break. 5k0uz3r was to go home, and so were the other guys. I dropped my plan of going to my parents' after I was not selected in the placement for CTS. 5k0uz3r got himself an Ibanez. Was good news, for he had to wait a year and a half to get that.

I spent the whole semester break in my place, alone and miserably. After it was over, Jayesh came back, and we started jamming at my place at low volume levels. It was kinda exaggerating that finally I was doing the songs I always wanted to do. Bharat was to come back some time soon. A day after he came back, we called him up, wanting to know his status. He obviously hadn't practiced any of the songs, for he hadn't any drum set in his home, and still wasn't practicing. We fixed a practice at his place for we had no other choice.

His place was big enough with an empty hall. But the neighborhood was extraordinarily quiet. The sound of the drums tore through the walls, and the neighbors were pissed off in a few days.

Meanwhile, we were searching for a place to practice. A junior's grandparents agreed to let us practice in their place, but that didn't seem to be a viable option to me. Metal is always way louder than any other kind of music. His grandfather then set us up to practice in a college (I'm not naming it to maintain their privacy). So, when the college is over, we could practice all night. On 14th, we shifted our stuffs there in a store room, and waited for Dev to come back. On 15th, we finally got our first jamming session together.

We figured that some songs were way to hard to be played on a single base paddle. We made tremendous changes to our list. With five nights of sleepless practice and college-less days, we were finally ready to go. We had to drop a few songs and change the rest few because of lack of time. All of the songs were metal nevertheless, with the exception of sweet child.

We set off for IIT KGP on 20th. All of us were very excited, and simultaneously a bit nervous, for the jamming session that day lasted just about 45 minutes, and we were not very satisfied with what turned out.

We reached KGP the next day. After the initial registration and check in thing, we were in the RP hall, surrounded by people. And when I say people, I mean a lot of people. The stink gets worse in the few days everyone is in there. The stink of their rotten socks and shoes. Good that it was winter, for without the blankets we were all using, the place would have been simply inhospitable.

The competition was to be held in the huge football (rugby) stadium. The stage was set, but we hadn't any place to prepare. There were no practice sessions for the number of bands coming up was just huge, and they couldn't give us slots for practice. We, however decided giving our preparations a final touch anyway. Bharat was the one who had to suffer the absence of drums. The rest of us three played along at the back of the stadium at nights, when it was all deserted.

And then we met this guy from a band called Minus from Ranchi. He was a real nutcase, I must admit. So whenever he started with his "I did this and I did that" bullshit, 5k0uz3r and I had to flee the hall. The canteens were awesome, for they were open all night, so that you don't have to think twice if you're out of cigarettes. The only bad thing was that they had all those costly cigarettes of the likes of Marlboro, which were all filter and no tobacco.

Kryptos were the judge in the competition and we'd decided to go on stage on 23rd, for that was supposedly the last day for the preliminary round.

The slot was then decided and we performed. I was wearing the tshirt of our band, that I'd painted a few days before actually going to KGP. The performance wasn't good for what we'd expected, but again, it was a debut. I'll probably write about what happened that day, but that won't be sometime soon. But I sure as hell was happy to see Kryptos giving us a horns up after we did Hallowed by thy name. Felt like honor.

Kryptos had a show that night. And although from their records, all I could deduce was that they were more influenced from death metal (that's because the only times I heard them was on radioverve), to my surprise, they turned out to be an Iron Maiden influenced band. Absolutely heavy metal.

Happy fuckin' new year!

Seems like the first post this year. So, a happy new year to you if you're reading!

Last night was enjoyable. That wasn't the plan till last evening, until when, the plan was chalked out as a booze and metal night.

Then Sanjeev calls and asks about the plan. Good that he called, and told that he was with the "gang". So I got ready for the newly formed plan B. Booze party with the booze guys.

Although Mama couldn't finish half his beer bottle, nevertheless, that got me more than a bottle to drink. :)

The new year awaits a lot of surprises. A happy and rocking new year to you all again!

The thoughtless mind

It's been quite boring the last few days. Thought a few times about writing about the things that happened. Never really got time to do that though. Actually, I had shitload of time, but I didn't feel like doing it.

So here I am, not placed in any of the two companies. I definitely screwed up, but that's that. Can't do anything about it now. Not that I care anyway.

In all, finally I decided not to go to parents' place. Days just keep passing, watching movies mostly, or roaming around here and there. Cigarettes have become an obsession now. I jam sometimes on the guitar, preparing for the competition (as they call it). But in the end, nothing matters. But I still try, to change things. To turn them around for the good - the greater good. What the greater good is, I don't know. But I can tell you that whatever it is, can't be achieved if we keep doing the same shit everyday. All is needed is to think.

If you ask me now, I can't tell you why I'm writing this post. But sometime in future, I'd be glad that I did.

Her memory resides - the aftermath

I was pretty screwed up after doing what I did. I thought over and over again, about that moment that I said what I said. I started to become what I was when I joined that school at the start of class 11. Always silent. Always calm. Always lost. Lost in oblivion.

I was the calm little center of the world, but if you looked closer, you'd find a restless mind, a soul with no peace.

A classmate told me that she was not worth a guy like me, for she didn't look so good after all, but I never gave a fuck about how she looked. I never really cared. I wasn't the kind of guy an average Indian kid would be in these matters.

Over and again, conscience gripped in, coaxing me to rethink the righteousness of my own self. Things became worse with time, and the more I thought that it will eventually subside, the more I found it was not the case.

Every time I'd get after the chemistry tuitions, I'd smoke and drive my bicycle at the top speed that I could manage. I'd crash sometimes. Sometimes I'd fall. Not that any of it mattered. What mattered, was lost.

I nearly screwed up my class tests, but responsibility towards my parents kept the studious guy studying.

In Agartala, many people used the perfume she used to wear. And that got me thinking. I started going sick. Sick of my past, sick of my present. I decided I'd have to get out of the place. The only way I could do that, was studies. IT and physics were the only two things I liked then. They made sense. They tried to give the world we live in, a definitiveness and a meaning it never seemed to have.

At last, I passed my board, cracked the EEE. I was now about to witness some shit, but I didn't know that before actually coming here. Something more was about to happen. Something that changed me, forever. That something did make me less angry about things. It made me more calm, less sad. But even now, I sometimes think about her. I don't know why, but the memory resides.

Her memory resides - fate and irony

wolfsoul BY CC ND 2.0

Our relationship continued. We were happy with each other. We talked all through the journey to school and back home. We seldom met at lunch times though, but things went smooth. At times, when we did get places to sit in the bus, we'd sit together and chat along and wish that the bus never reached back home. Every time we got to meet, life seemed worth, and every time we had to part, I thought about when we'd get to see each other again.

I had these exams approaching and so had she. School time kept going down and so did our meetings. Although she lived just a street away, we never could meet, for she was afraid that her father might come to know (whose office was nearby), and that could amount to troubles.

Then one day, we had this annual day, when there would be a celebration in the school (which happened every year). It was to be held on the evening of that day. Other than that, it was a holiday. So I was at home. In the evening, it turned out cloudy and dark, and it was probably in the winters, and I had a cold. My mind kept fluctuating between whether or not to go to the school. It would have been a hectic journey in autos. I'd have to change autos in the middle, and if it started raining, I'd be in trouble. Time kept passing, and it was already 5. It was to start at 5. I finally decided not to go and stay home. By now, mom knew about me and her. She was telling me to go if I wanted. I don't quite know what took over, but I was not feeling like going anywhere that evening.

I am Jack's slumbered nervous system.

I just went on and lied down on my bed. The next moment I knew, it was already 7. I had to get back with my books now, for that was the "routine".

The next day, after I got in the bus, I didn't see her after she got on the bus. After the bus stopped, and everyone started going down, I saw her and tried to apologize for not coming the other day. She was with a friend of hers, and no matter how much I'd call her, she won't listen to me.

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Finally, I just stood in front of her. Now she had to talk. She was furious, something I hadn't expected. I apologized for not turning up. She was still angry at me. Then she just said it was okay, and went to her class.

That evening, we talked it over. I told her that I didn't know the bus was coming, when she told me about that.

Some weeks later we had the farewell party for the seniors. I was to sing with a friend. The function was over and me and her kept sitting beside each other the whole time. It was then, that she told me about those two seniors who had been in a relationship for the last seven years. It's beautiful when you imagine your relationship going on till the end of time.

On the way back, we were to go earlier than other kids, which meant we'd have no bus for us. Me and her walked all the way to the main road and then came back together. A newly wed couple were going in a car that day, and I remember her telling me that one day it would be us.

I was the calm little center of the world.

Days kept passing. And then the exams were over. The judgment day (the day of the results) came and we were all there. I was standing with the guys of my class, and the class teacher was giving me a quiet smirk. Then came over to me and asked how things were. I was speechless as to what he might mean by that. I just managed to pass a smile towards him.

They started announcing the results. I didn't expect much, but I sure wanted to be among the top three guys. When it came to our class, they said out the third place first. I managed to clap as everyone was clapping for him. My heart beats were going faster. Then the second. My heart was pounding inside my chest now. And then the first, and I stood dumbstruck when I heard my name. I just stood there, not being able to believe that for once, I finally did top my class. The other guys got me out of my trance. My parents were there and sure were happy for me. I couldn't wait to meet Madhu then. She'd be proud.

After the results were all over, my parents and bro went together. I just told them that I'll come in the bus. They of course knew why, and didn't question me.

Back in the bus, Madhu was sitting alone. I went near her, and asked how her result was. She kept quiet. I didn't quite understand as to why she'd not say anything, and then she just started crying. Turned out she'd not been able to pass. This was a setback not just for her, but for me as well now.

I am Jack's rage against god.

I sat beside her, took her hand in mine and told her that everything will be okay. She kept crying all the way back home. I tried to console her, but all in vain. Near home, she somehow stopped crying. When the bus stopped, without a word, she went away.

Other guys of the class asked me what had happened. I just asked them not to ask. I was in no good mood now. The topping in class no more seemed worth.

Back home, mom asked me, why I was so quiet, when I should have been happy. I just told her whatever had happened. She didn't want me to ruin my day because she had a bad result. But it was easy for her to say.

In the evening father, bro (he was second or third in his class, I can't quite recall which) and I were to go for an ice cream. We walked in silence. Dad wanted me to cheer up. I tried, but I couldn't. The day somehow passed. The next day marked the start of the new session. She was of course, nowhere to be seen.

I am Jack's tearful eyes.

That day I called her up. Her mom answered the call (I'd met her before I fell in love with Madhu). She told me how bad she was still crying, and was sad. We discussed about the examinations, and she told me that she'd be giving supplementary exams a few days later. I felt a bit relieved.

A few days later, she started coming to school again, after having cleared the supplementary. I was happy to see her. And this is when, we started loving each other more than before.

After some days, the summer holidays started. Now, we hardly could meet. I had this chemistry tuition, which was quite far from home. I used to save the money for transportation and walked all the way. With that I used to call her, but with two bucks, you can hardly talk more than a minute. She was always disappointed for this. May be she should have been.

As the holidays drew to an end, I started growing doubtful about whether or not the relationship would work out. I began to think how things might be after we passed the school. I realized we'd not be able to meet at all. With the kind of allowance I got, I could hardly afford anything. Even a phone call was a big deal. The holidays ended, and I met her. I was afraid of talking to her, always wondering what might happen. But honestly, at that time, I didn't really see a future. She admitted how disappointed she used to be for I could not talk much. She didn't go on and complain about the various wrong things I used to do, like not meeting her even when we stayed near.

The next day I caught a real bad fever. For two weeks, I had to be at home. All the time, I'd think about the future of the relationship. When I got better, I was still wondering as to what I should do to make things better. I could not see a way. For two days, despite being in school, I didn't talk to her. Sumita then asked what had happened. I think I had made a decision then. I told her to ask Madhu to meet me in lunch time. I didn't have the courage to say that myself. Rather, Madhu's class was far off that year. Sumita hadn't passed, and had a free class then. In lunch time, we met near the class (the usual place). I was sweating.

She was puzzled as to what I might have to say. Then, I just decided that I should just say it. And I said that I could not do this any more, and that we should part.

Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brain.

timove BY CC ND 2.0

She started crying, and there wasn't a thing I could do. I had broken her heart. Sumita came running when she saw her crying and started asking me what I had said to her. I could not answer her, and just went away. I sat alone for sometime. After the school was over, I went from home, saying that I had a tuition (I didn't). I got to go on the bicycle by now. I sped. I sped till my muscles burnt and my veins pumped battery acid. I sped ahead of cars and bikes, and then I crashed. I crashed against a bike. We both had hit our breaks though. Nothing had happened, but I had to listen the bikers lecture for fifteen minutes.

Few days later, in the chemistry tuition, my classmate offered me a cigarette. I never smoked before that. He told me that everything will finally leave you, but cigarette won't leave you till the end. And I smoked. The smoke filled my lungs and pumped along through my blood. The wave hit my brain, and suddenly all that pain dissolved away. I felt okay for some time that day. I became addicted.

Looking back now, after going through two other long distance relationships and having learned the truth, that they never work out, I feel that I did the right thing. I'm in college now, and whenever I go back to my parents', I meet Sumita. She told me that Madhu was doing a course in fashion technology. This time she said that she met her, and that she looks way modern nowadays. She tells me that I did the right thing. A break up later on, would have been harder to bear.

Why I suddenly look back into my past, after five years of all this, is that one smell. The perfume she always wore. I'll never forget that. And although I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, whenever I remember that smell, I find something within myself, question me, "Or, was it really the right thing?"