She dumped me on valentine's day five years ago

She dumped me on valentine's day five years ago. A few months after that, I find out that it was for another guy. A year later, I'm going to NIT Suratkal to present a paper on an encryption algorithm I and Abhishek (Buddha) came up with. Of course, we didn't actually go, 'cause I said "about turn" for not having enough money and not letting myself be a drag on my sponsor for the trip on the next station. We got off the train on the station after Nagpur (We didn't have confirmed tickets).

She called me that night. When we were in Nagpur, after dinner at a dhaba near the station, she called me up, and I was surprised shitless, 'cause she didn't return my phone calls for the past year. I was calm. I had accepted the fact that we wanted different things from our lives, although I had no idea what she wanted. I asked her the one question I had meant to ask her for all that time - Why? Why not just tell me? I thought we were best friends (at least you were my best friend). She said that she'd tell me the next morning... We (me and Abhishek) reached back Raipur the next morning. She called and she told me the truth, and I swear to fucking god, I respect her for coming through because if she hadn't, it would have killed me for the rest of my life. I wasn't really furious at her. It was a long distance thing and I believe we both knew the repercussions. We haven't really been in contact since then, but she was the turning point in my life.

When she left me, is when I started seeing things differently. I started Nurvs of Steel, I started singing like there was no tomorrow. I started living like I might as well be dead tomorrow. To tell you the truth, I'm doing that right now.

The paper did get published in ICACE 2009 half an year after that Suratkal ordeal (Thanks again, to my sponsor, although I'm sorry I lost the proceedings and he never got to see what he spent all that money for).

I waited five years to muster up the courage to start looking for "The one" again. And when I finally did, all I faced was rejection, after waiting months to tell her about it. Of course, I understand that I'm a different guy, and I respect her for being upfront about it, but I'm not sure what I'm gonna do next. I'm still doing what is expected of me instead of what I really want to do...

Worst of all, I'm writing about shit I'm not supposed to disclose (supposedly), but if you really listen to what I write (in my blog or in my songs), you'd know that I ain't a storyteller. I'm not good at telling stories. I'm a truth-teller. I stand for truth, and that's the identity I have given myself in the past five years, and I believe that's what I'm gonna die preaching!

Life - A rather inexplicable thing

How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

Ryan Bingham

Lonely by Sudipto Sarkar on Visioplanet photography

Sometimes I feel like disappearing. Going somewhere, leaving everything and everyone behind and starting a new "life". A life where I don't settle down, where I keep travelling from city to city, country to country. Work small part-time short-term jobs to make enough money for a motel room and dinner, and to hitchhike my way through the roads. Maybe call mom and dad sometimes, just to tell them that I'm still alive. And then, maybe go to an icy place, or a desert, or an uninhabited island and make a house out of wooden twigs and leaves, hunt for dinner maybe. And then stay there for a few months and figure out what to do next.

All that, or I could just stay where I am, with my backpack filled with stuff I don't need but love enough not to be able to empty them, with people who aren't really all that close... and then with those people who have betrayed my trust, time and again, but society has its "dos and don'ts". I could just as well stay right here, working nine hours everyday, living what I'm told, is a "normal" life, although I don't see how not doing what you'd want to do with your life by minding your moral and social obligations towards society could be "normal". Well, maybe I just speak a different language. In other words, I'm not in terms with the ways of what they call society.

But, let's not go there. I'd rather write songs to express all the society and their idea of (false) freedom.

In the end, it all boils down to what you want. I don't want my backpack to be empty. Never did. In fact, I wanted there to be a "back home". When you are growing up, you have this idea in your head, and make no mistake, the ideas always, invariably come with deadlines. For example, you'd think that by the time you're 23, you'd have someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with, that by the time you're 29, you'd get married and settle down, maybe have a kid.

What you actually get is a lonely life, your friends settling down, and you, afraid of getting in relationships because of your last break up almost destroying your whole idea of a traditional "life", thereby sparking off another version of you, which you let define who you are in about half a decade of its existence. And you become an alcoholic. You drink to cope with pain... to forget the fact that you're a dead man and to sit back and think about what you're doing with what's left of it (life, that is).

And then, your most dreaded nightmare comes true. You fall in love again...

The height of being fucked up

And just when I thought that life can't be any more fucked up, my apartment started overflowing with water. I was busy on the computer working on something and all of a sudden, my eyes turn toward the floor and a massive pool of water is flowing from the kitchen. The kitchen's drowned completely, which made it impossible to look for the fucking source. I stepped outside only to find that everything else in the building is dry. Disappointment eh? Good thing that I spotted the shit in time to save the POD X3. A slight delay and 23k bucks would have gone down the drain.

Didn't take long to figure out I was living in a hell hole. First thing in the morning is to look for a new place. Something "hospitable".

Life - what the fuck is it about anyway?

With insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake.

I couldn't sleep, again. This thing kicks in every now and then. Most of the times I sleep during the day when I can't sleep at night. I don't have any answers to why and how but it does happen often and it (the insomnia) and I have made our peace. There have been times when I couldn't sleep for weeks. Anxiety is supposed to be one of the reasons for insomnia, which perfectly fits in my case. Too much of anything is bad after all.

And life? It just moves on. I've been in this job that I'm in for about four months now. It's good to have a source of income. A man's gotta work. Some friends complained that I don't consider anyone as a friend. I've got my own reasons that I don't wish to disclose. But let's put it this way - I've had enough shit thrown my way by trusting people and I've had enough of that shit, so I'm bailing the fuck out. I remember the times when I thought love and friendship are "real" and worth dying for. There of course are exceptions. They know they're exceptions and that's all I need to know. I don't even call them friends. Maybe because I don't believe in the general inference of that word.

Even Vodka doesn't help. It does get the head heavy as usual, but I guess I don't drink enough of that to make me fall asleep. I don't like it. I'm a beer guy. Heavy metal and beer are my thing.

We had our site up and running after all. Now that I'm earning, I got our site registered and shit, and we're up at http://nurvsofsteel.com. Never liked the WWW anyway. So I kept it away. We're working on getting it to look better. I'm too much into the coding shit to concentrate on the traditional graphics. And about the EP, we're still on the second song. The due date was 15th of this month, and I don't know how far it's gonna be stretched. I don't have much time. I don't think I can delay it much longer this time.

I feel cheated sometimes. But then I realize that patience is the key to go to where I wanna go. But I find it hard. Hard but not impossible, I keep telling myself. Honestly, I see just a glimpse of a way. But I guess that's all one needs to keep his hope from dying.

Called Madhu a few weeks back after I got her number from Facebook (after searching for five years). She was furious. Well, she should be. At the end of the conversation, she wanted us to be friends. I couldn't tell her that I just called to apologize and tell myself that her life wasn't ruined because of me. That she moved on and is fine now. Being friends was never an option. I probably shouldn't have called. I did stop returning her calls after that. I couldn't let this get any worse than it already is. Or maybe I just prefer some things to be unanswered - both for me and for others. Maybe that's the way I am. Maybe I'm a little more twisted than I realized. Maybe I'm more numb than I thought. Maybe I'm more dead than I presumed.

The last decade

It's not really possible to sum up a decade in one post. But I think I'm gonna try anyway.

The last decade was about change. Particularly the last four years of it. I learned about "freedom". What it really means, what it's about. I learned the truth about big things like RELIGION and GOVERNMENT and TERRORISM and ETCETRA ETCETRA... What is more important is that I learned what this life is all about.

I also learned that not everyone is your friend and not everyone you hate is a foe. I learned and unlearned many things.

The irony - in the end, I'm stuck at a place I "HATE". But I learned why I always hated it. I learned what I love. I love hanging out with my "friends". I love to party and most importantly, I love to live my life my way. No bull questions asked, no bull answers thought of. And yet, here I am, going somewhere I sure as hell despise.

When I was in college, I did everything that I was "taught" from the very beginning of my life to be BAD and SIN and SOMETHING A GOOD PERSON NEVER DOES. Guess what, it's all bull. None of that matters. One's choice does. So I chose to do whatever I wanted. And there isn't one thing I regret. I was happy doing what I did. The late night parties, the beer, the heavy metal, the never ending line of smokes, the weed, the roaming around the roads on bikes all night long, the all night book mugging the night before an exam. And although some of those things did feel really effed up at that time, looking back now, at least I was free. If I chose not to read and remember the damn books before an exam, I'd fail but that would just be my choice. There's nothing like having control of your life, especially when the only thing you knew about life (for all your life) was that it "belongs" to people that gave it to you.

Back to this hellhole (the corporate crappy mess, or at where I'm at), I don't feel free. I'm beginning to snap and when I do, I don't know, I'll just break free. But that's what it's about anyway. If you can't find a way to be happy, you don't deserve to live.

I never really thought I'd say this, but back in college, even if not many people knew me, even if not everyone was a friend, but everyone did care, and everyone would be with you if you're in trouble. I remember when one of got beat somewhere in town, we all used to go to duel, although everytime I went along, the thing would already be over by the time we reached there. The placement parties, we'd call just about everyone we knew - share the happiness.. I miss those times. I miss being free. And unlike everyone, I'm not mourning about it and saying that those days won't return. The choice is mine. But I'd have to let go of other less important things. I'll probably end up alone, but that doesn't matter because I'll be free.

And this one is for everyone I knew and didn't know back at college. Guys, I really miss you people... Although you won't be in deep shit by the end of the month now, but those were the days.

My conference paper

Somehow I thought of searching for the paper I had presented in the ICSTE conference about an year ago. Found the paper on the Internet. Here's the link: Randomized Multilevel Encryption. Looks like they have the pdf as well documenting the whole thing.

At present, I'm literally away from the camera. I'm however thinking of making something interesting. It will use lasers. I'll post about it at a later time maybe (that is if I ever do make it).

Checked out tempest for eliza today and beamed off AM waves from the computer screen, which transmitted music that I listened to on dad's old radio. Listening to old mac donald and Ludwig Van Beethoven's for Eliza in a never before imagined (by me) way was quite something.

The devil's workshop or the devil himself?

They say, an unoccupied mind is the devil's workshop. Well here's an unoccupied mind here. Where's the devil?

I've been spending the last few of months, practically doing nothing. I did some of the photography thing. Then, when it started getting boring, I did some gaming. Played some of the Ego Draconis, NFSMW, Splinter Cell and SC Pandora Tomorrow. When all the games were over, here I was unoccupied again. Then there was this advertisement in the paper about a photography competition (No, I still don't read the newspaper. Dad showed it to me). But their print aspect ratio was one of a kind. Not 16:9, not 16:10 and definitely not 4:3, which was the ratio of my photographs. They wanted huge prints for one to participate in it, and such a great place for photographers this place is, the best photo printers in town didn't have that big a paper. So I had to drop the plan. Then there came this lucid dreaming thing. I got inspired after watching Inception. Sinofemp used to talk about these lucid dream things when we lived together. He'd say that he was dreaming and found something unusual. And then he'd realize that he was dreaming and start doing whatever he wanted. Mostly he'd fly like Superman. I trained my ass to do that for a couple of weeks, but as they'd put it, it needs a lot of patience just for you to get the first lucid dream. Patience, as it turns out is my worst nightmare when I see no development at all. I did have one though, much after I stopped trying, but the moment I realized I was dreaming, I woke up panting heavily. But it did add to the patience thing after all. Then there came this urge to watch movies about lucid dreaming. So I watched A waking life. And the visuals of it amazed me so much, that I started researching into how they had the patience to make such lifelike animations. Turns out the animation was outsourced to another company, who use this Rotoshop thing to make the animations. But it was closed source and they didn't source it outside the company. So there went my endeavor to try the software. And as with every new kind of program I find, I started finding Open Source alternatives. I found just one (among the automated ones and not the ones in which you have to manually draw the outline of the subject, which was not possible for me, taking into consideration that I'd work with videos, which would be about 30 frames for one second. And then I found a script. Days later, I made a version of that script that gave me my lifelike animations. And after the Splinter Cell thing, I developed a thing for Espionage and as such. Started watching movies about espionage. Realistic ones. Not the gadgetry bullshit of movies like James Bond. Although with Daniel Craig, it is much more realistic nowadays. At the time of Brosnon, it was comedy more and espionage less. Now that I'm done with the Wikipedia list of spy films, I'm watching whatever I can lay my hands on. Mostly open source movies. Wikipedia has been a hell of a companion lately. I'd wake up night after night reading stuff which will probably never be of any use to me. But at least I like reading those. It's not like reading to pass in a goddamn exam. It's not like pretending that you're digesting the stuff well when you're hating every single bite of it.



And, yes I did come up with a small project with that script I made:

Time and again, I find me questioning myself - What's this life all about. The answer, as I well know is imprinted in my brain. But as I'd always put, when you see no developments, patience dies. But hope doesn't. And that's what keeps you at it, whether you consciously realize that or not.

At present, I'm thinking of taking up an open source movie project using the rotoscoping script I wrote two days ago. But again, you need other people to work with you to make a movie. Skouzer made the solo of our first song a few days ago. With the exams on and no time to record it all, we're still waiting for the recording and production. Ironically, there's still two more songs to be completed and it doesn't remotely seem to me that we'll meet the deadline. But again, there's noone above us to kick our asses if we don't. The question now remains, what do we do when we have released the songs. Will they get any attention in this world of corporations? Will an endeavor with zero capital be successful? Time has the answer and I'm willing to find out.

Oh, and I did make an antenna for my wifi card. After two years of waiting, I got the connectors and wires in eBay. Unfortunately that's used to wire just the antennas to PCI cards for desktops and not laptops. The guy's gonna get me the  laptop connectors tomorrow though. And I made a parabolic reflector out of paper recently, which I plan to use for the antenna. Ironically you don't get those pringles cans here (because you don't get pringles), which means I'd have to make that out of paper and aluminum foil as well. Once I get that connector, I'll be up and running to hack my way into all the wireless networks around. It's funny how people don't realize how insecure they are in this world. One password and they think it's all safe. Nothing really is. Two years ago I hacked into one of these networks, probably from a hotel nearby. The admins probably knew that encryption could be easily broken by novices using programs. S they used MAC (Media Access Control not the Apple's Mac) filtering. But your humble friend here isn't a novice now, is he? I did break into the network, but finding their gateways was a real pain in the ass. Never really got through that and the next chance I got, I was too late. The people I gave my laptop to, to fix my screen ripped off my wifi card and antenna cables and lost them and down it all went. I had to fight with those fuckers for a week to get them to give me a new card. They didn't attach the wires though. I've been searching for the connectors ever since.

And soon, it will all be over. But I can't help but question myself - when?

Living with Nurvs of Steel as Nurvs of Steel

It has been an awesome week. Doing shows with Nurvs of Steel, it's pretty damn good to see people who "never" listen to Metal or even "English" music give a good response.

The last show was in R K Mall for the final round of Campus Jung. It always sucks when the sound systems are fucked up, and here in Raipur, it's never good. The crowd wasn't enough though. Not as much enthusiastic as the one in Magneto. Thanks to the organizers, who had earlier mentioned that if bands do not report by 12 noon, they will be DQed but couldn't set up the stage until it was about 5:30 in the evening (Yeah, their management does suck). What's more surprising is the fact that it was organized by Dainik Bhaskar and sponsored by Hero Honda. But I guess, when it's Raipur, shit is bound to happen. I remember the last time when me and Skouzer performed with Nimbus and although the stage was all indoor, the sound system was atleast better than this time (at least it wasn't in a mall).

At first the assholes cut the power supply to our processors and started announcing that if we're not done with the sound check in 1 minute, we'd be DQed. I guess it's all they can do. Threaten to DQ us on grounds absolutely insane.

I'm just about done uploading the videos to the Nurvs of Steel Youtube channel. I guess the post-processing will be done in about a few hours before I wake up. And I updated the Band's website. Some fucker flagged our site in facebook, so I can't add the link there any more. But I hope the facebook admins will take care of that. Some wallpapers are up for downloads there now.

I'm looking forward to be aired on MyFM - our next endeavor and I do hope we'd get enough votes. All I want is for things to work out. After all, this is what I'm gonna do. The sooner the better.

Headbanging with Nurvs of Steel

After a lot of opposition from my parents, I decided to get back to Raipur to do some upcoming shows with my band.

Lately, we got ourselves a new place to practice in. Our new f-ing studio. Situated in the outskirts of the city, it's the perfect location for practicing, as there ain't much population around, so that we get to jam quite a lot, which would not have been the case anywhere else.


Two days ago, we went to BIT to perform in their branch based competition. Not to my surprise, they had no fucking monitors and they cut us loose at 12 minutes when the slot was of 20 minutes. And although they told that it was because of pressure from the faculty, but fuck knows the real fucking reason. The bad thing is that we could not complete Hallowed be thy name. They unplugged our guitars just before the fucking solo. And not once, but twice.

At the end of that, I can't tell you how many people came up and told us that they loved us, and that is exactly when you're doing heavy metal in a non metal place. They respect we got that day, goes both ways. I feel love and respect for the people of BIT Durg, who besides all the shit that was thrown at us by their event coordinators supported us. Especially to the guy who told me that he never listens to any english songs but still loved my vocals in Hallowed be thy name.

The next day, we had an audition for Campus Jung conducted by Dainik Bhaskar, in which me and Skouzer performed with Nimbus last year and ended up as runner ups and all we got was just a fucking certificate.

And yesterday they printed about the show in their newspaper's local page, and they printed our name as Steel the band. The question I ask is, "Are they fucking illiterates?" We had even written down our fucking name during the registration - Nurvs of Steel. Not some fucking "Steel the band".

I for one, am very thankful to everyone who came and supported us, giving us the best response we have ever had till date. And although they were not the metal kind of people, but the enthusiasm left me dumbstruck.

I guess shit happens. Now they're postponing the main show, and our drummer has to go to Mumbai for his checkup following the major accident he had a few months ago.

I guess that's just all for now. I'll keep updating whenever I get a chance, and just hope these posts are at least read.

Life's going on

Many a times, one feels that there's nothing much left of life. This is one of those times for me.

I'm at my parents' now, and there ain't much to do. I'm just getting bored sitting in this place day and night, surfing the Internet or playing old fucked up games.
Some good things are happening as well though. One of them is that I almost finished writing a song. After a week or so, I'll work on it and make it releaseable. I'm not sure if to go for a single release or an EP as was planned earlier and announced on the band's twitter page.

Another good thing is that I got BSNL Broadband yesterday. So, no more waiting hours to download a Meg of file.

I started using Freenet lately and one wouldn't believe the enormous amount of stuff it has. It's just a plethora of information. I sure hope to find something interesting in there (other that pr0n, which you eventually get bored of).

Meanwhile, I went to college to get the certificate and marksheets, and some stuff happened, but that's a whole new post. At one moment you realize that you'll probably die or end up in a hospital for a month, and then you realize that it's okay, and you got out of that just fine. It is then when you start loving yourself.
The company didn't send my call letter yet, so my parents are bugging me, which always gets me irritated. But that's just life. A ton of shit thrown at you, which you must dodge or face consequences.

Fucked up life won't always be fucked up

Those who have known me in recent years, know well of how I have a record in almost getting fucked up but escaping the danger at the last moment by a fucking millimeter. Right now, the time is bad. I am facing shit with the most important thing - getting the fuck out of dependence, and I'm on the verge of fucking up. All I can do is do what I normally do - keep calm. But under the circumstances, it seems pretty tough. But I know I'll get through this, intact and victorious.

Infection and Irony

Infection

With keen eyes, Jack looks again.

'Oh, it's a mess.', he thinks to himself.

It's his crotch. Funny, though it might seem, but fate, it seems is not without a sense of irony. In normal circumstances, Jack likes to hang out with Tyler, talks about life, drinks beer and chills out, trying not to think about the shit that usually goes on. But the last few days have been hard on him. The infection down there is killing him.

He starts at it. Using both his thumbs, he squeezes out the blood out of his wound. The pain seems unbearable. For a moment, he finds himself unable to breathe. He, however manages to keep his breath steady, and washes the blood off. Using a piece of cotton, he wipes out the white pus. Jack's face turns blue in disgust. He thanks the almighty, that it doesn't stink. He figures it's time for the other one. He manages to squeeze that too, but this one is hard to tackle. Although it does discharge some blood, which is not actually red in color. Blackish red would describe it best. The pain kicks in now, leaving him dizzy, his breath disturbed. He feels as if someone's choking his breath. He can hardly hold on now. As his sight begins to blacken, he realizes that he is about to faint. He decides it not to be a good idea to be sitting in the bathroom in a condition like this. He wipes off the mess with the last piece of wet cotton, wears his pants and rushes out of the door, puts his head under the tap and turns it on to wet his head, so that the lack of consciousness could subside, but to no avail. He runs back to his bedroom. He doesn't like the look of things. The green packet that is always on his table looks fine, except for the green smudge it now has around it. The light tube looks rather reddish and greenish, as opposed to what it normally looks - white. He runs and falls with a thud on his bed. He lies there with his eyes closed, still trying to cope up with the pain, his head still spinning, his eyes still showing him shades of red, green and blue amidst the darkness.

What started out as a couple of swellings three days ago, has taken a much devastating form. It has burst out into pus and blood during his sleep. The situation has been so bad, that he cannot stand up for long, for the flow of blood through the wounds only leads to a surge of pain, so sharp, that he cannot withstand the pain for more than a couple of minutes. He must always be lying on his bed. And because of this, he hasn't had to see the face of his much hated college. But it has, on the other hand, limited many of his day to day activities. For the cigarettes, he still goes in the small shop, he has at the back of his house, which, fortunately doesn't take long.

After lying on his bed for what seemed like a million years, he opens his eyes and thinks, 'Was I unconscious?' He does check his watch then, which tells that he has been lying there for about five minutes now. He figures, the answer would of course be no. He keeps talking to himself, the way he usually does.

'I think it's about time I should go to a doctor. Self medication won't help much on this.'

He calls up his dearest mate, who is the only person that knows about this infection thing at the moment.

"Hey Tyler, can we just go to the doctor, say tomorrow. I mean you know a good doctor around right?"
"I think you should have taken the decision on day one. We'll go tomorrow."
"All right."

He goes on with the pain for the next twenty four hours, but Tyler gets busy doing something he has to attend to, which results in Jack not going to the doctor. But this doesn't stop him from doing his own medication, which involves cleaning the wound. The whole affair didn't turn up as bad as it had the other night. At bedtime, he goes to bed, but can't fall asleep. So he rubs one out and makes his way to dreamland.

Irony

Next evening, Tyler finds his schedule free and takes Jack to the doctor. Today, however, Jack found his last night dressing to be highly fruitful, for his wounds have cured up a lot and aren't as swollen as they were earlier. It is much less of a problem now, to be standing, although some pain did find its way in. It is however, much easier for him to wear an underwear, which earlier seemed impossible, considering the pain, for it would directly pressurize the wound.

Jack quietly walks up to the doctor, upon being called upon.

"I got an infection at my crotch."
"All right. Get inside the other room and wait."

He goes inside the other chamber. It is small and cramped with a bed lying in a corner, but well lit. He sits on the bed as the doctor comes in.

"You have to show me the infection."

Having known of one of his friend's encounter with a skin specialist, he is prepared for this, and had come with his underwear on. He undoes his jeans and slides his underwear just enough to show the doctor the infection, and yet, not reveal his wiener, something he considers really private. The doctor holds a torch in his hand, as he looks at the grim condition of the man. When he's done examining the infection, he stands up, and looks Jack in the eye.

Considering Jack's age (who is much younger than himself), he utters something, which can be loosely translated as this.

"This infection has happened because... You have been with a lady, with whom you have had intercourse in the wrong place."

As soon as Jack hears the word lady, he found himself shocked. He hadn't had any such experience with a woman before. In fact, our Jack here, is a virgin. Pretty sad for a young man in his early twenties though, but that's how things have been with him. And here, the doctor is not only accusing him of intercourse, but also of sodomy. Jack of course thinks, that the doctor might give him the wrong medication if he didn't understand the fact that it isf not what he thought it is.

"Excuse me doctor, but there's a misunderstanding here. I did not have any..."
"No I mean, not necessarily recently, but in a duration of fifteen to twenty days.", the doctor had interrupted him without really listening to him.

Jack had to try to make him understand.

"But there has been no such thing."
"Just relax young man. Lie down and turn towards the wall.", the doctor said as he stepped out the door, going back to his table to attend to other patients who were waiting for him.

The words, 'turn towards the wall' got Jack in a dilemma. That would mean one thing and one thing alone. An injection in the ass. Jack despises injections and is scared shitless now. He didn't face the wall, and he didn't lie down either. He must make the doc understand that the situation might have arisen due to other reasons. He keeps waiting, but doesn't find the doctor coming back in. He hears the doctor talking to someone but the words are not clear enough to give him an insight into what they might be talking about.

After a few minutes, someone comes in. As Jack had guessed, it is the doctor's assistant, with an injection in his hand. For a moment, Jack keeps looking at the drops of whatever is inside the injection, spurting out from the tip of the needle. He knew that in a few moments, the needle would be tearing his flesh apart. He figures that he must act, and act now.

"Wait, before you inject me, I have to clear out the situation with the doctor."
"You can talk to me."
"No, the doctor thinks it is because of something it is not because of."

The standing man is obviously confused.

"Okay, talk to him then."
"I think I'll let him finish with his current patient now."

They wait for a few seconds, while the assistant realizes that the problem could be solved.

"What is it that you are here for?"
"I got an infection. That's all."
"And what do you want to talk to him about?"
"He says it's because of having sex, while I did not."

The assistant thinks for a moment.

"Oh it happens because of many other reasons like sweat, soap not compatible with your skin. There's a dozen reasons why that might happen."
"Is it really that?"
"Yeah."

Jack finally feels relieved as he finds that the reason doesn't matter, as the medication is the same after all.

"Okay then, I think you can inject me now. But please hurry, for I hate injections."
"Everyone does. Keep your legs relaxed."

As he put the needle in through his ass cheek, the feeling that came up isn't quite warm and welcoming.

"Just relax. It will be fine.", the doc's assistant says.

'Yeah. If you were in my place, with a needle up your ass cheek, you won't be saying that.', Jack thinks to himself.

After finishing the whole doctor thing, getting all those different colored tablets and the medical certificate for college, let alone the doctor not understanding the spelling for his name, Jack and Tyler came out of the doctor's chamber.

"You won't believe what happened in there."

As Jack tells him about the awkward situation inside, the irony of the visit to the doctor, and the serious painful thing turning into a humorous situation, they laugh along. At last, sitting near a tea stall near Tyler's house, as they puff along their cigarettes, Jack says, "Do you know how I got so much better today?"
"How?"
"I think I just needed to jack off."

The last few days.

Quite a lot has happened is what I'd say, if I have to summarize this whole post in one line.

Had two companies coming up in college. Not that I made a very good progress in that. Although I did clear Belzabar's tech quiz round, in the coding, I sure fucked up.

Someone to noone again.

Have been going through a very bad crisis at this time, considering all the aspects of daily life.

Bharat (the drums & percussions guy of ours) had a bad accident in the meantime, breaking two pelvis bones. Doesn't seem like he'll be okay in some time. The plans for us performing in the cultural fest of the college seems dwindling because of this.

I, however decided to upload one song we did in IIT Kharagpur. Here are the links to that: part1 part2.

About anonymous comment posting

If you are someone who hasn't posted any comments on this blog, this post isn't for you. If you are someone who hasn't posted any anonymous comments on this blog, this post isn't for you either. If you have posted any anonymous comments on this blog, but they aren't either of the first comment on this and this page, this post isn't for you. From the last criteria, if you find that it was you who posted those comments or either of them, read on. I have a message for you too.

I have a thing against anonymous comments. So far I have had very few comments on this blog. That was as long as I wrote about computers and electronics hacking. Noone really cared what I wrote about. That was the shittiest time this blog has seen. All the stuff put in one place. And most of that was my own research. Might be something that has existed for ages, but some stuff in there was always new. Of all the comments, not one was one that was supposed to be a kick on my face. But then one day, when I had almost stopped writing about my research (I have stopped that since the start of seventh semester), an anonymous comment pops up. Obviously I was not happy to see the way it was delivering the message. "But that was a long time ago. Why talk about it now?", you'd say. So, here it is again.

The last post, I receive another such anonymous comment. For this one, I'm guessing names, and I get just one. The name, for your information, has been deduced from the time, the way of writing, the style of spelling words and the style of punctuation. Next time this anonymous commenting is necessary, try to be "anonymous".

So, my point is not to tell everyone what kind of shit this is or that it should not be done, or even that it should be done, so that I change and become a normal guy, and a good human being.

To express the whole thing I have in my mind to you, in two words, "FUCK THAT"! First of all, PLEASE do not tell me what to do, and second of all, if you have a suggestion for me, it better be just a suggestion. That's because I'd think over what I hear and then decide whether or not it is something I am going to do. So, if you are one of the people who think they think good of me by trying to change the way I am, think of me as not your friend, but your enemy. If you have something against me, say it on my face. And last of all, I have enough friends. I don't need friends who can't respect what I am.

Am I dead?

"Am I dead?", I found myself questioning. For a moment I totally forgot about whatever was going on around and tried to figure out if I was still in my senses. I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything. I couldn't even feel a thing. A sudden pain struck my head, and I started hearing mumbles all around. It was the laboratory - artificial intelligence lab class. Everyone was talking to each other. Then I felt something in my hand. I lowered my sight to see what I was holding, and saw the tabulation of the last semester.

I am Jack's fucked up life.

I regained my senses, only to find out that I had not one but two backs now. If you're someone who gets a back for the first time in his life, the feeling it accompanies is not good. And when it's about time that you should have been placed, and you're getting backs, it's really frustrating. One back was still tolerable. But the second one, about which I just came to know, made things worse.

If I wasn't screwed when I came to know about the first back, I sure as hell am now.

I was angry and sad at the same time. When you're brought up in an environment, where you're taught to love books and give up your life for books, just because those are going to get you money, when it's all about pride, when it's all about responsibility, you hardly can live your life. All you have to do is read books, whether you like it or not.

I have a confession to make. I never liked books. I hated books. Even when I used to top my class, it was not because I liked to, but because the responsibility thing was there. For sometime, it was out of love for someone. The rest of the time, it was because I had to fulfill the responsibility towards my parents, who have been doing me favors, indebting me. I can't really tell them about this, and I don't know what I should do next. And now that it's almost the end of it all, when I'm just a few steps away from dependence, when freedom is right in front of me, I have stumbled and fallen.

The fear inside is taking shape of anger, pain and agony. And I must do something to not give up. I wanna destroy something beautiful. I wanna breathe smoke.

This one's rather an update.

I'm working on the first original for the band. Although it's not the first time that I'm composing a song, but it's way more fun when you know that this one's gonna be complete.

One won't believe how much of work it takes just to compose a three minute song, but when it's the only thing you want to do, it's rather fun than pain.

Was browsing through all the recordings I've done in the past. Found some good ones, not metal though. Mostly acoustic. But I think I'm gonna put 'em up somewhere on the Internet.

A milestone achieved

I just returned from Springfest 2010 from IIT Kharagpur. It was a much anticipated tour. Nurvs of Steel finally got the debut I have been wanting to get for the past two years.

I'll begin from where it began. Jayesh had joined the band about a few days before the exam. We were still searching for a place to jam. And in Raipur, where people can be such assholes, it was a really tough thing to get. We could all practice at our places, but then, the neighbors were always a pain in the ass. It's okay when they play their shitty bollywood "music" (which rarely makes any sense) at full volume during our exams. But it's really disturbing to them when we talk on our phone (supposedly, we are shouting and creating a nuisance).

So, after the exams were over, we were done with selecting the songs we were to perform. We hadn't made our OC yet (and how could we, without a single jam?). So covers were our only option. The plan was to practice those individually during the semester break. 5k0uz3r was to go home, and so were the other guys. I dropped my plan of going to my parents' after I was not selected in the placement for CTS. 5k0uz3r got himself an Ibanez. Was good news, for he had to wait a year and a half to get that.

I spent the whole semester break in my place, alone and miserably. After it was over, Jayesh came back, and we started jamming at my place at low volume levels. It was kinda exaggerating that finally I was doing the songs I always wanted to do. Bharat was to come back some time soon. A day after he came back, we called him up, wanting to know his status. He obviously hadn't practiced any of the songs, for he hadn't any drum set in his home, and still wasn't practicing. We fixed a practice at his place for we had no other choice.

His place was big enough with an empty hall. But the neighborhood was extraordinarily quiet. The sound of the drums tore through the walls, and the neighbors were pissed off in a few days.

Meanwhile, we were searching for a place to practice. A junior's grandparents agreed to let us practice in their place, but that didn't seem to be a viable option to me. Metal is always way louder than any other kind of music. His grandfather then set us up to practice in a college (I'm not naming it to maintain their privacy). So, when the college is over, we could practice all night. On 14th, we shifted our stuffs there in a store room, and waited for Dev to come back. On 15th, we finally got our first jamming session together.

We figured that some songs were way to hard to be played on a single base paddle. We made tremendous changes to our list. With five nights of sleepless practice and college-less days, we were finally ready to go. We had to drop a few songs and change the rest few because of lack of time. All of the songs were metal nevertheless, with the exception of sweet child.

We set off for IIT KGP on 20th. All of us were very excited, and simultaneously a bit nervous, for the jamming session that day lasted just about 45 minutes, and we were not very satisfied with what turned out.

We reached KGP the next day. After the initial registration and check in thing, we were in the RP hall, surrounded by people. And when I say people, I mean a lot of people. The stink gets worse in the few days everyone is in there. The stink of their rotten socks and shoes. Good that it was winter, for without the blankets we were all using, the place would have been simply inhospitable.

The competition was to be held in the huge football (rugby) stadium. The stage was set, but we hadn't any place to prepare. There were no practice sessions for the number of bands coming up was just huge, and they couldn't give us slots for practice. We, however decided giving our preparations a final touch anyway. Bharat was the one who had to suffer the absence of drums. The rest of us three played along at the back of the stadium at nights, when it was all deserted.

And then we met this guy from a band called Minus from Ranchi. He was a real nutcase, I must admit. So whenever he started with his "I did this and I did that" bullshit, 5k0uz3r and I had to flee the hall. The canteens were awesome, for they were open all night, so that you don't have to think twice if you're out of cigarettes. The only bad thing was that they had all those costly cigarettes of the likes of Marlboro, which were all filter and no tobacco.

Kryptos were the judge in the competition and we'd decided to go on stage on 23rd, for that was supposedly the last day for the preliminary round.

The slot was then decided and we performed. I was wearing the tshirt of our band, that I'd painted a few days before actually going to KGP. The performance wasn't good for what we'd expected, but again, it was a debut. I'll probably write about what happened that day, but that won't be sometime soon. But I sure as hell was happy to see Kryptos giving us a horns up after we did Hallowed by thy name. Felt like honor.

Kryptos had a show that night. And although from their records, all I could deduce was that they were more influenced from death metal (that's because the only times I heard them was on radioverve), to my surprise, they turned out to be an Iron Maiden influenced band. Absolutely heavy metal.

Happy fuckin' new year!

Seems like the first post this year. So, a happy new year to you if you're reading!

Last night was enjoyable. That wasn't the plan till last evening, until when, the plan was chalked out as a booze and metal night.

Then Sanjeev calls and asks about the plan. Good that he called, and told that he was with the "gang". So I got ready for the newly formed plan B. Booze party with the booze guys.

Although Mama couldn't finish half his beer bottle, nevertheless, that got me more than a bottle to drink. :)

The new year awaits a lot of surprises. A happy and rocking new year to you all again!

The thoughtless mind

It's been quite boring the last few days. Thought a few times about writing about the things that happened. Never really got time to do that though. Actually, I had shitload of time, but I didn't feel like doing it.

So here I am, not placed in any of the two companies. I definitely screwed up, but that's that. Can't do anything about it now. Not that I care anyway.

In all, finally I decided not to go to parents' place. Days just keep passing, watching movies mostly, or roaming around here and there. Cigarettes have become an obsession now. I jam sometimes on the guitar, preparing for the competition (as they call it). But in the end, nothing matters. But I still try, to change things. To turn them around for the good - the greater good. What the greater good is, I don't know. But I can tell you that whatever it is, can't be achieved if we keep doing the same shit everyday. All is needed is to think.

If you ask me now, I can't tell you why I'm writing this post. But sometime in future, I'd be glad that I did.

Her memory resides - the aftermath

I was pretty screwed up after doing what I did. I thought over and over again, about that moment that I said what I said. I started to become what I was when I joined that school at the start of class 11. Always silent. Always calm. Always lost. Lost in oblivion.

I was the calm little center of the world, but if you looked closer, you'd find a restless mind, a soul with no peace.

A classmate told me that she was not worth a guy like me, for she didn't look so good after all, but I never gave a fuck about how she looked. I never really cared. I wasn't the kind of guy an average Indian kid would be in these matters.

Over and again, conscience gripped in, coaxing me to rethink the righteousness of my own self. Things became worse with time, and the more I thought that it will eventually subside, the more I found it was not the case.

Every time I'd get after the chemistry tuitions, I'd smoke and drive my bicycle at the top speed that I could manage. I'd crash sometimes. Sometimes I'd fall. Not that any of it mattered. What mattered, was lost.

I nearly screwed up my class tests, but responsibility towards my parents kept the studious guy studying.

In Agartala, many people used the perfume she used to wear. And that got me thinking. I started going sick. Sick of my past, sick of my present. I decided I'd have to get out of the place. The only way I could do that, was studies. IT and physics were the only two things I liked then. They made sense. They tried to give the world we live in, a definitiveness and a meaning it never seemed to have.

At last, I passed my board, cracked the EEE. I was now about to witness some shit, but I didn't know that before actually coming here. Something more was about to happen. Something that changed me, forever. That something did make me less angry about things. It made me more calm, less sad. But even now, I sometimes think about her. I don't know why, but the memory resides.