Life - what the fuck is it about anyway?

With insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake.

I couldn't sleep, again. This thing kicks in every now and then. Most of the times I sleep during the day when I can't sleep at night. I don't have any answers to why and how but it does happen often and it (the insomnia) and I have made our peace. There have been times when I couldn't sleep for weeks. Anxiety is supposed to be one of the reasons for insomnia, which perfectly fits in my case. Too much of anything is bad after all.

And life? It just moves on. I've been in this job that I'm in for about four months now. It's good to have a source of income. A man's gotta work. Some friends complained that I don't consider anyone as a friend. I've got my own reasons that I don't wish to disclose. But let's put it this way - I've had enough shit thrown my way by trusting people and I've had enough of that shit, so I'm bailing the fuck out. I remember the times when I thought love and friendship are "real" and worth dying for. There of course are exceptions. They know they're exceptions and that's all I need to know. I don't even call them friends. Maybe because I don't believe in the general inference of that word.

Even Vodka doesn't help. It does get the head heavy as usual, but I guess I don't drink enough of that to make me fall asleep. I don't like it. I'm a beer guy. Heavy metal and beer are my thing.

We had our site up and running after all. Now that I'm earning, I got our site registered and shit, and we're up at http://nurvsofsteel.com. Never liked the WWW anyway. So I kept it away. We're working on getting it to look better. I'm too much into the coding shit to concentrate on the traditional graphics. And about the EP, we're still on the second song. The due date was 15th of this month, and I don't know how far it's gonna be stretched. I don't have much time. I don't think I can delay it much longer this time.

I feel cheated sometimes. But then I realize that patience is the key to go to where I wanna go. But I find it hard. Hard but not impossible, I keep telling myself. Honestly, I see just a glimpse of a way. But I guess that's all one needs to keep his hope from dying.

Called Madhu a few weeks back after I got her number from Facebook (after searching for five years). She was furious. Well, she should be. At the end of the conversation, she wanted us to be friends. I couldn't tell her that I just called to apologize and tell myself that her life wasn't ruined because of me. That she moved on and is fine now. Being friends was never an option. I probably shouldn't have called. I did stop returning her calls after that. I couldn't let this get any worse than it already is. Or maybe I just prefer some things to be unanswered - both for me and for others. Maybe that's the way I am. Maybe I'm a little more twisted than I realized. Maybe I'm more numb than I thought. Maybe I'm more dead than I presumed.

About anonymous comment posting

If you are someone who hasn't posted any comments on this blog, this post isn't for you. If you are someone who hasn't posted any anonymous comments on this blog, this post isn't for you either. If you have posted any anonymous comments on this blog, but they aren't either of the first comment on this and this page, this post isn't for you. From the last criteria, if you find that it was you who posted those comments or either of them, read on. I have a message for you too.

I have a thing against anonymous comments. So far I have had very few comments on this blog. That was as long as I wrote about computers and electronics hacking. Noone really cared what I wrote about. That was the shittiest time this blog has seen. All the stuff put in one place. And most of that was my own research. Might be something that has existed for ages, but some stuff in there was always new. Of all the comments, not one was one that was supposed to be a kick on my face. But then one day, when I had almost stopped writing about my research (I have stopped that since the start of seventh semester), an anonymous comment pops up. Obviously I was not happy to see the way it was delivering the message. "But that was a long time ago. Why talk about it now?", you'd say. So, here it is again.

The last post, I receive another such anonymous comment. For this one, I'm guessing names, and I get just one. The name, for your information, has been deduced from the time, the way of writing, the style of spelling words and the style of punctuation. Next time this anonymous commenting is necessary, try to be "anonymous".

So, my point is not to tell everyone what kind of shit this is or that it should not be done, or even that it should be done, so that I change and become a normal guy, and a good human being.

To express the whole thing I have in my mind to you, in two words, "FUCK THAT"! First of all, PLEASE do not tell me what to do, and second of all, if you have a suggestion for me, it better be just a suggestion. That's because I'd think over what I hear and then decide whether or not it is something I am going to do. So, if you are one of the people who think they think good of me by trying to change the way I am, think of me as not your friend, but your enemy. If you have something against me, say it on my face. And last of all, I have enough friends. I don't need friends who can't respect what I am.