The last decade

It's not really possible to sum up a decade in one post. But I think I'm gonna try anyway.

The last decade was about change. Particularly the last four years of it. I learned about "freedom". What it really means, what it's about. I learned the truth about big things like RELIGION and GOVERNMENT and TERRORISM and ETCETRA ETCETRA... What is more important is that I learned what this life is all about.

I also learned that not everyone is your friend and not everyone you hate is a foe. I learned and unlearned many things.

The irony - in the end, I'm stuck at a place I "HATE". But I learned why I always hated it. I learned what I love. I love hanging out with my "friends". I love to party and most importantly, I love to live my life my way. No bull questions asked, no bull answers thought of. And yet, here I am, going somewhere I sure as hell despise.

When I was in college, I did everything that I was "taught" from the very beginning of my life to be BAD and SIN and SOMETHING A GOOD PERSON NEVER DOES. Guess what, it's all bull. None of that matters. One's choice does. So I chose to do whatever I wanted. And there isn't one thing I regret. I was happy doing what I did. The late night parties, the beer, the heavy metal, the never ending line of smokes, the weed, the roaming around the roads on bikes all night long, the all night book mugging the night before an exam. And although some of those things did feel really effed up at that time, looking back now, at least I was free. If I chose not to read and remember the damn books before an exam, I'd fail but that would just be my choice. There's nothing like having control of your life, especially when the only thing you knew about life (for all your life) was that it "belongs" to people that gave it to you.

Back to this hellhole (the corporate crappy mess, or at where I'm at), I don't feel free. I'm beginning to snap and when I do, I don't know, I'll just break free. But that's what it's about anyway. If you can't find a way to be happy, you don't deserve to live.

I never really thought I'd say this, but back in college, even if not many people knew me, even if not everyone was a friend, but everyone did care, and everyone would be with you if you're in trouble. I remember when one of got beat somewhere in town, we all used to go to duel, although everytime I went along, the thing would already be over by the time we reached there. The placement parties, we'd call just about everyone we knew - share the happiness.. I miss those times. I miss being free. And unlike everyone, I'm not mourning about it and saying that those days won't return. The choice is mine. But I'd have to let go of other less important things. I'll probably end up alone, but that doesn't matter because I'll be free.

And this one is for everyone I knew and didn't know back at college. Guys, I really miss you people... Although you won't be in deep shit by the end of the month now, but those were the days.

Am I dead?

"Am I dead?", I found myself questioning. For a moment I totally forgot about whatever was going on around and tried to figure out if I was still in my senses. I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything. I couldn't even feel a thing. A sudden pain struck my head, and I started hearing mumbles all around. It was the laboratory - artificial intelligence lab class. Everyone was talking to each other. Then I felt something in my hand. I lowered my sight to see what I was holding, and saw the tabulation of the last semester.

I am Jack's fucked up life.

I regained my senses, only to find out that I had not one but two backs now. If you're someone who gets a back for the first time in his life, the feeling it accompanies is not good. And when it's about time that you should have been placed, and you're getting backs, it's really frustrating. One back was still tolerable. But the second one, about which I just came to know, made things worse.

If I wasn't screwed when I came to know about the first back, I sure as hell am now.

I was angry and sad at the same time. When you're brought up in an environment, where you're taught to love books and give up your life for books, just because those are going to get you money, when it's all about pride, when it's all about responsibility, you hardly can live your life. All you have to do is read books, whether you like it or not.

I have a confession to make. I never liked books. I hated books. Even when I used to top my class, it was not because I liked to, but because the responsibility thing was there. For sometime, it was out of love for someone. The rest of the time, it was because I had to fulfill the responsibility towards my parents, who have been doing me favors, indebting me. I can't really tell them about this, and I don't know what I should do next. And now that it's almost the end of it all, when I'm just a few steps away from dependence, when freedom is right in front of me, I have stumbled and fallen.

The fear inside is taking shape of anger, pain and agony. And I must do something to not give up. I wanna destroy something beautiful. I wanna breathe smoke.