Life's going on

Many a times, one feels that there's nothing much left of life. This is one of those times for me.

I'm at my parents' now, and there ain't much to do. I'm just getting bored sitting in this place day and night, surfing the Internet or playing old fucked up games.
Some good things are happening as well though. One of them is that I almost finished writing a song. After a week or so, I'll work on it and make it releaseable. I'm not sure if to go for a single release or an EP as was planned earlier and announced on the band's twitter page.

Another good thing is that I got BSNL Broadband yesterday. So, no more waiting hours to download a Meg of file.

I started using Freenet lately and one wouldn't believe the enormous amount of stuff it has. It's just a plethora of information. I sure hope to find something interesting in there (other that pr0n, which you eventually get bored of).

Meanwhile, I went to college to get the certificate and marksheets, and some stuff happened, but that's a whole new post. At one moment you realize that you'll probably die or end up in a hospital for a month, and then you realize that it's okay, and you got out of that just fine. It is then when you start loving yourself.
The company didn't send my call letter yet, so my parents are bugging me, which always gets me irritated. But that's just life. A ton of shit thrown at you, which you must dodge or face consequences.

Am I dead?

"Am I dead?", I found myself questioning. For a moment I totally forgot about whatever was going on around and tried to figure out if I was still in my senses. I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything. I couldn't even feel a thing. A sudden pain struck my head, and I started hearing mumbles all around. It was the laboratory - artificial intelligence lab class. Everyone was talking to each other. Then I felt something in my hand. I lowered my sight to see what I was holding, and saw the tabulation of the last semester.

I am Jack's fucked up life.

I regained my senses, only to find out that I had not one but two backs now. If you're someone who gets a back for the first time in his life, the feeling it accompanies is not good. And when it's about time that you should have been placed, and you're getting backs, it's really frustrating. One back was still tolerable. But the second one, about which I just came to know, made things worse.

If I wasn't screwed when I came to know about the first back, I sure as hell am now.

I was angry and sad at the same time. When you're brought up in an environment, where you're taught to love books and give up your life for books, just because those are going to get you money, when it's all about pride, when it's all about responsibility, you hardly can live your life. All you have to do is read books, whether you like it or not.

I have a confession to make. I never liked books. I hated books. Even when I used to top my class, it was not because I liked to, but because the responsibility thing was there. For sometime, it was out of love for someone. The rest of the time, it was because I had to fulfill the responsibility towards my parents, who have been doing me favors, indebting me. I can't really tell them about this, and I don't know what I should do next. And now that it's almost the end of it all, when I'm just a few steps away from dependence, when freedom is right in front of me, I have stumbled and fallen.

The fear inside is taking shape of anger, pain and agony. And I must do something to not give up. I wanna destroy something beautiful. I wanna breathe smoke.