Sunday, July 3, 2011

Life - what the fuck is it about anyway?

With insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake.

I couldn't sleep, again. This thing kicks in every now and then. Most of the times I sleep during the day when I can't sleep at night. I don't have any answers to why and how but it does happen often and it (the insomnia) and I have made our peace. There have been times when I couldn't sleep for weeks. Anxiety is supposed to be one of the reasons for insomnia, which perfectly fits in my case. Too much of anything is bad after all.

And life? It just moves on. I've been in this job that I'm in for about four months now. It's good to have a source of income. A man's gotta work. Some friends complained that I don't consider anyone as a friend. I've got my own reasons that I don't wish to disclose. But let's put it this way - I've had enough shit thrown my way by trusting people and I've had enough of that shit, so I'm bailing the fuck out. I remember the times when I thought love and friendship are "real" and worth dying for. There of course are exceptions. They know they're exceptions and that's all I need to know. I don't even call them friends. Maybe because I don't believe in the general inference of that word.

Even Vodka doesn't help. It does get the head heavy as usual, but I guess I don't drink enough of that to make me fall asleep. I don't like it. I'm a beer guy. Heavy metal and beer are my thing.

We had our site up and running after all. Now that I'm earning, I got our site registered and shit, and we're up at Never liked the WWW anyway. So I kept it away. We're working on getting it to look better. I'm too much into the coding shit to concentrate on the traditional graphics. And about the EP, we're still on the second song. The due date was 15th of this month, and I don't know how far it's gonna be stretched. I don't have much time. I don't think I can delay it much longer this time.

I feel cheated sometimes. But then I realize that patience is the key to go to where I wanna go. But I find it hard. Hard but not impossible, I keep telling myself. Honestly, I see just a glimpse of a way. But I guess that's all one needs to keep his hope from dying.

Called Madhu a few weeks back after I got her number from Facebook (after searching for five years). She was furious. Well, she should be. At the end of the conversation, she wanted us to be friends. I couldn't tell her that I just called to apologize and tell myself that her life wasn't ruined because of me. That she moved on and is fine now. Being friends was never an option. I probably shouldn't have called. I did stop returning her calls after that. I couldn't let this get any worse than it already is. Or maybe I just prefer some things to be unanswered - both for me and for others. Maybe that's the way I am. Maybe I'm a little more twisted than I realized. Maybe I'm more numb than I thought. Maybe I'm more dead than I presumed.