Friday, December 25, 2009

The thoughtless mind

It's been quite boring the last few days. Thought a few times about writing about the things that happened. Never really got time to do that though. Actually, I had shitload of time, but I didn't feel like doing it.

So here I am, not placed in any of the two companies. I definitely screwed up, but that's that. Can't do anything about it now. Not that I care anyway.

In all, finally I decided not to go to parents' place. Days just keep passing, watching movies mostly, or roaming around here and there. Cigarettes have become an obsession now. I jam sometimes on the guitar, preparing for the competition (as they call it). But in the end, nothing matters. But I still try, to change things. To turn them around for the good - the greater good. What the greater good is, I don't know. But I can tell you that whatever it is, can't be achieved if we keep doing the same shit everyday. All is needed is to think.

If you ask me now, I can't tell you why I'm writing this post. But sometime in future, I'd be glad that I did.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Her memory resides - the aftermath

I was pretty screwed up after doing what I did. I thought over and over again, about that moment that I said what I said. I started to become what I was when I joined that school at the start of class 11. Always silent. Always calm. Always lost. Lost in oblivion.

I was the calm little center of the world, but if you looked closer, you'd find a restless mind, a soul with no peace.

A classmate told me that she was not worth a guy like me, for she didn't look so good after all, but I never gave a fuck about how she looked. I never really cared. I wasn't the kind of guy an average Indian kid would be in these matters.

Over and again, conscience gripped in, coaxing me to rethink the righteousness of my own self. Things became worse with time, and the more I thought that it will eventually subside, the more I found it was not the case.

Every time I'd get after the chemistry tuitions, I'd smoke and drive my bicycle at the top speed that I could manage. I'd crash sometimes. Sometimes I'd fall. Not that any of it mattered. What mattered, was lost.

I nearly screwed up my class tests, but responsibility towards my parents kept the studious guy studying.

In Agartala, many people used the perfume she used to wear. And that got me thinking. I started going sick. Sick of my past, sick of my present. I decided I'd have to get out of the place. The only way I could do that, was studies. IT and physics were the only two things I liked then. They made sense. They tried to give the world we live in, a definitiveness and a meaning it never seemed to have.

At last, I passed my board, cracked the EEE. I was now about to witness some shit, but I didn't know that before actually coming here. Something more was about to happen. Something that changed me, forever. That something did make me less angry about things. It made me more calm, less sad. But even now, I sometimes think about her. I don't know why, but the memory resides.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Her memory resides - fate and irony

wolfsoul BY CC ND 2.0

Our relationship continued. We were happy with each other. We talked all through the journey to school and back home. We seldom met at lunch times though, but things went smooth. At times, when we did get places to sit in the bus, we'd sit together and chat along and wish that the bus never reached back home. Every time we got to meet, life seemed worth, and every time we had to part, I thought about when we'd get to see each other again.

I had these exams approaching and so had she. School time kept going down and so did our meetings. Although she lived just a street away, we never could meet, for she was afraid that her father might come to know (whose office was nearby), and that could amount to troubles.

Then one day, we had this annual day, when there would be a celebration in the school (which happened every year). It was to be held on the evening of that day. Other than that, it was a holiday. So I was at home. In the evening, it turned out cloudy and dark, and it was probably in the winters, and I had a cold. My mind kept fluctuating between whether or not to go to the school. It would have been a hectic journey in autos. I'd have to change autos in the middle, and if it started raining, I'd be in trouble. Time kept passing, and it was already 5. It was to start at 5. I finally decided not to go and stay home. By now, mom knew about me and her. She was telling me to go if I wanted. I don't quite know what took over, but I was not feeling like going anywhere that evening.

I am Jack's slumbered nervous system.

I just went on and lied down on my bed. The next moment I knew, it was already 7. I had to get back with my books now, for that was the "routine".

The next day, after I got in the bus, I didn't see her after she got on the bus. After the bus stopped, and everyone started going down, I saw her and tried to apologize for not coming the other day. She was with a friend of hers, and no matter how much I'd call her, she won't listen to me.

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Finally, I just stood in front of her. Now she had to talk. She was furious, something I hadn't expected. I apologized for not turning up. She was still angry at me. Then she just said it was okay, and went to her class.

That evening, we talked it over. I told her that I didn't know the bus was coming, when she told me about that.

Some weeks later we had the farewell party for the seniors. I was to sing with a friend. The function was over and me and her kept sitting beside each other the whole time. It was then, that she told me about those two seniors who had been in a relationship for the last seven years. It's beautiful when you imagine your relationship going on till the end of time.

On the way back, we were to go earlier than other kids, which meant we'd have no bus for us. Me and her walked all the way to the main road and then came back together. A newly wed couple were going in a car that day, and I remember her telling me that one day it would be us.

I was the calm little center of the world.

Days kept passing. And then the exams were over. The judgment day (the day of the results) came and we were all there. I was standing with the guys of my class, and the class teacher was giving me a quiet smirk. Then came over to me and asked how things were. I was speechless as to what he might mean by that. I just managed to pass a smile towards him.

They started announcing the results. I didn't expect much, but I sure wanted to be among the top three guys. When it came to our class, they said out the third place first. I managed to clap as everyone was clapping for him. My heart beats were going faster. Then the second. My heart was pounding inside my chest now. And then the first, and I stood dumbstruck when I heard my name. I just stood there, not being able to believe that for once, I finally did top my class. The other guys got me out of my trance. My parents were there and sure were happy for me. I couldn't wait to meet Madhu then. She'd be proud.

After the results were all over, my parents and bro went together. I just told them that I'll come in the bus. They of course knew why, and didn't question me.

Back in the bus, Madhu was sitting alone. I went near her, and asked how her result was. She kept quiet. I didn't quite understand as to why she'd not say anything, and then she just started crying. Turned out she'd not been able to pass. This was a setback not just for her, but for me as well now.

I am Jack's rage against god.

I sat beside her, took her hand in mine and told her that everything will be okay. She kept crying all the way back home. I tried to console her, but all in vain. Near home, she somehow stopped crying. When the bus stopped, without a word, she went away.

Other guys of the class asked me what had happened. I just asked them not to ask. I was in no good mood now. The topping in class no more seemed worth.

Back home, mom asked me, why I was so quiet, when I should have been happy. I just told her whatever had happened. She didn't want me to ruin my day because she had a bad result. But it was easy for her to say.

In the evening father, bro (he was second or third in his class, I can't quite recall which) and I were to go for an ice cream. We walked in silence. Dad wanted me to cheer up. I tried, but I couldn't. The day somehow passed. The next day marked the start of the new session. She was of course, nowhere to be seen.

I am Jack's tearful eyes.

That day I called her up. Her mom answered the call (I'd met her before I fell in love with Madhu). She told me how bad she was still crying, and was sad. We discussed about the examinations, and she told me that she'd be giving supplementary exams a few days later. I felt a bit relieved.

A few days later, she started coming to school again, after having cleared the supplementary. I was happy to see her. And this is when, we started loving each other more than before.

After some days, the summer holidays started. Now, we hardly could meet. I had this chemistry tuition, which was quite far from home. I used to save the money for transportation and walked all the way. With that I used to call her, but with two bucks, you can hardly talk more than a minute. She was always disappointed for this. May be she should have been.

As the holidays drew to an end, I started growing doubtful about whether or not the relationship would work out. I began to think how things might be after we passed the school. I realized we'd not be able to meet at all. With the kind of allowance I got, I could hardly afford anything. Even a phone call was a big deal. The holidays ended, and I met her. I was afraid of talking to her, always wondering what might happen. But honestly, at that time, I didn't really see a future. She admitted how disappointed she used to be for I could not talk much. She didn't go on and complain about the various wrong things I used to do, like not meeting her even when we stayed near.

The next day I caught a real bad fever. For two weeks, I had to be at home. All the time, I'd think about the future of the relationship. When I got better, I was still wondering as to what I should do to make things better. I could not see a way. For two days, despite being in school, I didn't talk to her. Sumita then asked what had happened. I think I had made a decision then. I told her to ask Madhu to meet me in lunch time. I didn't have the courage to say that myself. Rather, Madhu's class was far off that year. Sumita hadn't passed, and had a free class then. In lunch time, we met near the class (the usual place). I was sweating.

She was puzzled as to what I might have to say. Then, I just decided that I should just say it. And I said that I could not do this any more, and that we should part.

Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brain.

timove BY CC ND 2.0

She started crying, and there wasn't a thing I could do. I had broken her heart. Sumita came running when she saw her crying and started asking me what I had said to her. I could not answer her, and just went away. I sat alone for sometime. After the school was over, I went from home, saying that I had a tuition (I didn't). I got to go on the bicycle by now. I sped. I sped till my muscles burnt and my veins pumped battery acid. I sped ahead of cars and bikes, and then I crashed. I crashed against a bike. We both had hit our breaks though. Nothing had happened, but I had to listen the bikers lecture for fifteen minutes.

Few days later, in the chemistry tuition, my classmate offered me a cigarette. I never smoked before that. He told me that everything will finally leave you, but cigarette won't leave you till the end. And I smoked. The smoke filled my lungs and pumped along through my blood. The wave hit my brain, and suddenly all that pain dissolved away. I felt okay for some time that day. I became addicted.

Looking back now, after going through two other long distance relationships and having learned the truth, that they never work out, I feel that I did the right thing. I'm in college now, and whenever I go back to my parents', I meet Sumita. She told me that Madhu was doing a course in fashion technology. This time she said that she met her, and that she looks way modern nowadays. She tells me that I did the right thing. A break up later on, would have been harder to bear.

Why I suddenly look back into my past, after five years of all this, is that one smell. The perfume she always wore. I'll never forget that. And although I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, whenever I remember that smell, I find something within myself, question me, "Or, was it really the right thing?"

Monday, December 7, 2009

Her memory resides - the beginning of the end

After an awesome (but tiring) night of beer and heavy metal, I woke up yesterday in the evening. 5k0uz3r and I had tea and cigarettes (the official breakfast) together, and he dropped me near my home. I was to walk the rest of the way, because of the cop problem we'd faced before.

I was walking, thinking about what to read for the next exam. Suddenly, I smelled a perfume. It was astonishingly familiar. I thought for a moment, and I remembered. It was the same perfume she used to wear. And then, I forgot all about the exam and walking back home and realized that all of this has got something to do with the guy that I was five years ago.

She and I were in the same class. Well, she was in Arts though, and I was in Science. I was kinda famous in my class back then. I was one of the best guys ( on the basis of academics) in my class (in the science section), and whenever there were unit tests, I often happened to be the guy helping everyone copy from me. The arts people liked me because we had English in common, and they used to copy from me. In fact, I enjoyed the position of "the helper".

She and I met for the first time inside the bus, which used to get us back home from school. She'd asked a small kid to play a joke on me, so that she could talk with me. We turned to be good friends thereafter. We always used to talk while going back home. I liked the talks. They ranged from how studies and exams were to what kind of persons we liked.

After a few weeks, I realized I loved her. Now, I was quite scared about rejection, as that had happened before. Although this girl was single, I didn't know if she'd say yes to a guy who was quite studious, and more of a bookish guy. As days went by, I started to be more and more tense about what to do. So I decided to make my move, and whatever will happen, shall be handled after it happens. It was the same as thinking, "People normally don't do what they have the courage to do. That's not how it works. It works like this - You do what you are shitless scared of, and gain the courage after you do it, not before you do it."

So, the next day, when we were coming back in the bus, we didn't get a place to sit (senior classes were discharged after the junior classes, so that the kids always got the seats before we were in the bus). That was often the case, and like most days, we were standing together, talking. All of a sudden, I asked her what kind of person she'd like to spend her life with. She told me. She told me exactly the description I wanted to hear. That was more or less like me. I told her about me.

Now, it was kinda like a routine, that when she got down at her stoppage, she'd wave me goodbye and I'd do the same.

It was 2nd February 2005, when I finally decided to tell her what I felt. It was lunch time. I finished my food quite fast that day. Went down to the playground, where she usually had her lunch with her friends. She was sitting with one of her friends (whose name I don't quite recall at this moment). I went up to her. She looked up at me, and I told her that I needed to talk to her. She seemed puzzled as to what it could be. We walked in to the corridor. She stood near the notice board, and asked, "What is it?"

I am Jack's nervous breakdown.

I somehow managed to utter, "We were talking about that life partner thing right?"

I was waiting for her to be a bit surprised. She might have been, but didn't let it show up on her face. She just said, "Yeah?"

"Well, what if that person was me?"

I had just missed a heart attack.

I swear I noticed a smile on her face, but she hid it. She said that she'd tell me later. I wanted her to take her time to decide what she wanted. I said, "Okay. I'll see you in the bus then."

She went back to her friend. I was however tense as to what she might say. That day was one of the longest days of my life.

Back in the bus, I asked her what she'd decided. She told me that she'd tell on Valentine's day. I had to agree.

The waiting got longer. My classmates got to know about this. A few days later, Suchismita (she was in my class, and we were quite good friends back then) wanted to talk to me about this. Although she knew about it, she wanted me to tell her. After I was done, she told me that she was four years older than me. I was surprised as to why she hadn't told me that before. But I guess it was okay. Suchismita said that may be she would have thought that it would take my interest away from her. That day I asked her if that was so, and she just said, "You just didn't ask me about that before." She was right.

The next day, Sumita (who considered me one of her best friends, and still does) got to know about this and was kinda pissed off as to why I hadn't told her. I had not told her though. She was not sure if I should get along with Madhu. Mostly because she was detained twice and I was the topper at that time. I tried to make her understand that it really did not matter.

As valentine's day drew closer, I had to decide what to get as a gift. I didn't really get any pocket money. I had saved some money, that I used to get for auto fare while going to tuitions, by walking all the way instead of taking an auto. I didn't really have much money. I remember 13th February 2005 was Saraswati Puja. I went out with father and my bro, as they said they were going to see some puja. I thought as to how I'd be able to get past them and get a chocolate (5 star was her favourite) for her. Luckily, I got lost, father and bro went on a different street and I found that I'd lost 'em. I got in a shop and bought the chocolate. I found them later though.

Next day, Sumita had got me a red rose from her house (for Madhu), as was decided. In the second period, it was games period for us, and Arts had a games period too. One of the guys from Arts (whose name I don't remember) came up to me and told me that she was waiting in their class for me.

I went to that classroom. She was sitting there, alone. I went towards her, still nervous. I sat beside her and gave her the gift and the rose, saying, "Happy Valentine's day". I'd never said that to someone before. May be I should have rephrased my words. I told her that I loved her. I was waiting for her to answer. But she didn't. I managed to say, "You can take your time if you want." She said that she'd take some time to tell me if she'd get in that relationship.

Sumita later asked what happened. Everyone that knew was asking. I of course didn't have an answer. I told Sumita about that. She went to talk to Madhu. After the whole day passed, in the last but one class, Sumita called me up from the class and we went to Madhu. She was blushing and all she could say was a simple "The answer is yes."

I was the happy boy with a box of chocolates. I jumped in joy. I was happy. I was the calm little center of the world.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What's this life for?

Not unlike many nights, I could not sleep last night. With this pressure kinda thing in your head, you think more. Your mind goes astray thinking about a hell lot of different kinds of things. I remember when I used to be this high tech hacker guy, whose mind wandered in the unexplored depths of the cyber world. With time, my explorations became slower. I started taking a slide towards this crazy guy, who just thinks a lot. I unraveled the mysteries about life and everything. But on the other hand, I sometimes find myself questioning, "Is this all worth it?" Ironically, I do not seem to be having the answer to that. Over and again, Jack's words click back in my head:

With insomnia, nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

Looking in the mirror, I find my face sagging down. I begin to accept what they probably call "fate". Everything that begins must at some point, end.

I have, like most of us must have, tried to figure out the answer to why we all exist. My purpose however, was to find the reason for my existence. I never did though. But in the place where I am, it doesn't really matter any more. May be we really are here to just be "happy", but again, not everyone thinks like that.

We are the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives.

 Tyler's words coming out of my mouth. And I used to be such a nice guy.