Sunday, December 13, 2009

Her memory resides - the aftermath

I was pretty screwed up after doing what I did. I thought over and over again, about that moment that I said what I said. I started to become what I was when I joined that school at the start of class 11. Always silent. Always calm. Always lost. Lost in oblivion.

I was the calm little center of the world, but if you looked closer, you'd find a restless mind, a soul with no peace.

A classmate told me that she was not worth a guy like me, for she didn't look so good after all, but I never gave a fuck about how she looked. I never really cared. I wasn't the kind of guy an average Indian kid would be in these matters.

Over and again, conscience gripped in, coaxing me to rethink the righteousness of my own self. Things became worse with time, and the more I thought that it will eventually subside, the more I found it was not the case.

Every time I'd get after the chemistry tuitions, I'd smoke and drive my bicycle at the top speed that I could manage. I'd crash sometimes. Sometimes I'd fall. Not that any of it mattered. What mattered, was lost.

I nearly screwed up my class tests, but responsibility towards my parents kept the studious guy studying.

In Agartala, many people used the perfume she used to wear. And that got me thinking. I started going sick. Sick of my past, sick of my present. I decided I'd have to get out of the place. The only way I could do that, was studies. IT and physics were the only two things I liked then. They made sense. They tried to give the world we live in, a definitiveness and a meaning it never seemed to have.

At last, I passed my board, cracked the EEE. I was now about to witness some shit, but I didn't know that before actually coming here. Something more was about to happen. Something that changed me, forever. That something did make me less angry about things. It made me more calm, less sad. But even now, I sometimes think about her. I don't know why, but the memory resides.

7 comments:

Shivam Maheshwari said...

Another great and brave decision on your part...

Atleast you came back to your senses, real fast...

Another "something" happened in NITRR, that changed your life????

I'm certainly waiting for it!.....

Plzzzzzzz post it soon......

Bharat Pantula said...

BS!

why would you remember that happened many years ago? That's gonna fetch you nothing. Better, say it fast and stop thinking about this shit, what do you say? Be a punk, don't be a sobbing fag.

(sorry for the expletives, I can't help!)

Xtreme_Great said...

@Bharat Pantula I ain't a sobbin' fag. And I sure as hell ain't a punk. I'm a fuckin' metalhead. I take pleasure in my pain. But how the hell will you understand that?

(sorry for the expletives. I can't help either.)

@Shivam Maheshwari It's a long story bro. The story of one's life sure takes a hell lot of time to document.

Bharat Pantula said...

and how do you derive pleasure from pain? why remember something that's past?

sure as hell it ain't gonna come back. either way, nothing matters in the end, does it?

Shivam Maheshwari said...

@ xtremethegreat1 : yeah you are right...it does take a long time to document a man's life as a story....

I thought of writing a novel on mine in the beginning...but ended up on a blog... :P

Xtreme_Great said...

@Bharat Pantula Nothing actually matters in the end (except for what you want), so it really doesn't matter when you remember the past (just that you want to document something).

mou said...

'I was the calm little center of the world, but if you looked closer, you'd find a restless mind, a soul with no peace.'

very nice...glad to know you bounced back...tc