I was pretty screwed up after doing what I did. I thought over and over again, about that moment that I said what I said. I started to become what I was when I joined that school at the start of class 11. Always silent. Always calm. Always lost. Lost in oblivion.
I was the calm little center of the world, but if you looked closer, you'd find a restless mind, a soul with no peace.
A classmate told me that she was not worth a guy like me, for she didn't look so good after all, but I never gave a fuck about how she looked. I never really cared. I wasn't the kind of guy an average Indian kid would be in these matters.
Over and again, conscience gripped in, coaxing me to rethink the righteousness of my own self. Things became worse with time, and the more I thought that it will eventually subside, the more I found it was not the case.
Every time I'd get after the chemistry tuitions, I'd smoke and drive my bicycle at the top speed that I could manage. I'd crash sometimes. Sometimes I'd fall. Not that any of it mattered. What mattered, was lost.
I nearly screwed up my class tests, but responsibility towards my parents kept the studious guy studying.
In Agartala, many people used the perfume she used to wear. And that got me thinking. I started going sick. Sick of my past, sick of my present. I decided I'd have to get out of the place. The only way I could do that, was studies. IT and physics were the only two things I liked then. They made sense. They tried to give the world we live in, a definitiveness and a meaning it never seemed to have.
At last, I passed my board, cracked the EEE. I was now about to witness some shit, but I didn't know that before actually coming here. Something more was about to happen. Something that changed me, forever. That something did make me less angry about things. It made me more calm, less sad. But even now, I sometimes think about her. I don't know why, but the memory resides.