Sunday, January 20, 2013

She dumped me on valentine's day five years ago

She dumped me on valentine's day five years ago. A few months after that, I find out that it was for another guy. A year later, I'm going to NIT Suratkal to present a paper on an encryption algorithm I and Abhishek (Buddha) came up with. Of course, we didn't actually go, 'cause I said "about turn" for not having enough money and not letting myself be a drag on my sponsor for the trip on the next station. We got off the train on the station after Nagpur (We didn't have confirmed tickets).

She called me that night. When we were in Nagpur, after dinner at a dhaba near the station, she called me up, and I was surprised shitless, 'cause she didn't return my phone calls for the past year. I was calm. I had accepted the fact that we wanted different things from our lives, although I had no idea what she wanted. I asked her the one question I had meant to ask her for all that time - Why? Why not just tell me? I thought we were best friends (at least you were my best friend). She said that she'd tell me the next morning... We (me and Abhishek) reached back Raipur the next morning. She called and she told me the truth, and I swear to fucking god, I respect her for coming through because if she hadn't, it would have killed me for the rest of my life. I wasn't really furious at her. It was a long distance thing and I believe we both knew the repercussions. We haven't really been in contact since then, but she was the turning point in my life.

When she left me, is when I started seeing things differently. I started Nurvs of Steel, I started singing like there was no tomorrow. I started living like I might as well be dead tomorrow. To tell you the truth, I'm doing that right now.

The paper did get published in ICACE 2009 half an year after that Suratkal ordeal (Thanks again, to my sponsor, although I'm sorry I lost the proceedings and he never got to see what he spent all that money for).

I waited five years to muster up the courage to start looking for "The one" again. And when I finally did, all I faced was rejection, after waiting months to tell her about it. Of course, I understand that I'm a different guy, and I respect her for being upfront about it, but I'm not sure what I'm gonna do next. I'm still doing what is expected of me instead of what I really want to do...

Worst of all, I'm writing about shit I'm not supposed to disclose (supposedly), but if you really listen to what I write (in my blog or in my songs), you'd know that I ain't a storyteller. I'm not good at telling stories. I'm a truth-teller. I stand for truth, and that's the identity I have given myself in the past five years, and I believe that's what I'm gonna die preaching!


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Sudipto Sarkar said...

Yeah, fuck you too.

Sudipto Sarkar said...

Yeah, fuck you too.