Friday, February 5, 2010

Am I dead?

"Am I dead?", I found myself questioning. For a moment I totally forgot about whatever was going on around and tried to figure out if I was still in my senses. I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything. I couldn't even feel a thing. A sudden pain struck my head, and I started hearing mumbles all around. It was the laboratory - artificial intelligence lab class. Everyone was talking to each other. Then I felt something in my hand. I lowered my sight to see what I was holding, and saw the tabulation of the last semester.

I am Jack's fucked up life.

I regained my senses, only to find out that I had not one but two backs now. If you're someone who gets a back for the first time in his life, the feeling it accompanies is not good. And when it's about time that you should have been placed, and you're getting backs, it's really frustrating. One back was still tolerable. But the second one, about which I just came to know, made things worse.

If I wasn't screwed when I came to know about the first back, I sure as hell am now.

I was angry and sad at the same time. When you're brought up in an environment, where you're taught to love books and give up your life for books, just because those are going to get you money, when it's all about pride, when it's all about responsibility, you hardly can live your life. All you have to do is read books, whether you like it or not.

I have a confession to make. I never liked books. I hated books. Even when I used to top my class, it was not because I liked to, but because the responsibility thing was there. For sometime, it was out of love for someone. The rest of the time, it was because I had to fulfill the responsibility towards my parents, who have been doing me favors, indebting me. I can't really tell them about this, and I don't know what I should do next. And now that it's almost the end of it all, when I'm just a few steps away from dependence, when freedom is right in front of me, I have stumbled and fallen.

The fear inside is taking shape of anger, pain and agony. And I must do something to not give up. I wanna destroy something beautiful. I wanna breathe smoke.


Anonymous said...

Go n breathe smoke..and dats gonna make u ntn better thn a fuckin loser...U decide u gonna make it or break..And once decided nvr look bak at the path not chosen..

Xtreme_Great said...

@Anonymous You definitely don't know the merits of "breathing smoke". As for me, I have already made my decision, for I know what to do with my life and what not to. Thanks for your suggestion though (not that it matters).